08 May Mother’s Day & Mom Guilt – How to Overcome & Let it Go
Mother’s Day–the one day set aside each year on which moms feel appreciated, loved, and celebrated. It’s a beautiful idea.
But the ugly truth? Mother’s Day is one day out of the year when moms feel the greatest guilt.
It’s true. We moms too often spend Mother’s Day feeling like a failure. Feeling like we haven’t done enough, or like we aren’t good enough.
I know this feeling all too well. I can’t tell you how many Mother’s Days I have simply felt like a failure. Hearing of other mothers’ successes, reading sweet and thoughtful posts, hearing talks about incredible moms in church; as beautiful and encouraging as they’re meant to be, they too often make us feel like “I’m not as good as that.” And then?
The overthinking kicks in: “I’m not good enough,” “I shouldn’t be celebrated,” “I’m failing as a mom.”
We’ve all been there. Or at least, many of us have, including me. So, why is it so easy to fall into the mom guilt trap, especially on the day when we’re supposed to feel good about our role, work, and love we so freely give as a mom?
Loving my baby, but exhausted. This is reality.
Why ‘Mom Guilt’ on Mother’s Day, and all year long?
First, we feel guilty because we love our families.
Yes, love can lead to guilt, because we care so deeply. We love our children, our spouse/partner, and we want the best for them. It’s therefore easy to feel down on ourselves when that “best” isn’t happening. Postpartum depression, anxiety, motherhood depression, hormone shifts that wreak havoc on our emotions, and major life events and stress can make us feel like we’re “weak,” like we can’t do the job we so desperately want to do in the way we want, need or feel we “should” do it.
Second, we take WAY too much upon ourselves, thinking it’s “all my fault.”
When kids make poor choices, we moms often take it upon ourselves, making us feel like we’ve somehow failed as mothers. It’s simply not the case. How our kids behave, what they choose to do, and who they choose to be? These are not up to US; they’re up to THEM, and they definitely are not what makes or breaks a “good” mother. This is the basis of my latest book/event/course, Mastery Of Motherhood, and it’s a crucial truth to acknowledge: “The fruit of motherhood isn’t how our kids turn out; it’s how we turn out.” (Join my Mastery Of Motherhood (M.O.M.) LIVE event!)
Watch, “Overcoming Mom Guilt,” Motherhood TV episode for more!
Third, we get stuck in our own heads, ruminating over the past and future, and forgetting the present.
Guilt over our own frustrations, weaknesses, and learning moments and what these might have “done” to our children.Guilt over not doing enough, not being enough. Guilt that maybe we really aren’t good enough.
We feel guilty when we’re exhausted and need a break, when we need help, and even when we’re feeling good and just want some time to ourselves. We feel guilt when we don’t “love” every moment of motherhood, even though that’s just part of the deal of being a mom. And the list goes on…
All of this can lead to overthinking and feelings of self-doubt, guilt, shame, and even self-loathing that bring us down, down, down in a spiral of negativity and despair. This is what guilt does, and why I always say, “Guilt is good for nothing.”
We must learn to get out of our heads, out of our falsely created emotions, and SEE what’s happening right in front of us. I witness this all the time: moms who sit in my office, telling me what a terrible mom they are while simultaneously breastfeeding and nurturing a crying infant. They are proving themselves wrong, and we do this all the time. We are so caught up in the past and the future that we fail to see the present moment and the goodness, beauty, and love we’re creating right here, right now. (Read “Daily Mindfulness: 6 Ways to put more BEING into what you’re DOING”)
“Motivational vs. Depressive” Mom Guilt
Actually, I used to say “Guilt is good for nothing..,” but now I add, “…unless you use it for something better.”
I have learned over the past 22 years working with moms, women and families, that there are two types of guilt. Understanding the difference between these can make all the difference in overcoming mom guilt, on Mother’s Day or any other day of the year.
Type 1: Depressive Guilt
Depressive guilt is that downward spiral I described above. It drags us down and makes us feel low and useless. This type of guilt is good for nothing, for the more depressive guilt we have, the worse our situation gets.
Type 2: Motivational Guilt
Motivational guilt comes when we’ve done something wrong and we know it. It comes when we feel remorse for our words, thoughts, or behavior, and we know we need to change. Motivational guilt has the potential to lead to change; in fact, by nature, this type of guilt is meant to help us change.
Allow me to explain, using my favorite metaphor for guilt: Gasoline…
Gasoline is a good thing when we use it for good things, like helping a car drive or a lawn mower mow. But, gasoline is also highly flammable. Guilt is gasoline.
If we pile up gasoline in our garage, or rather, if we hold on to depressive guilt, allowing it to fester or rot or bury itself deep inside and adding to it over and over, eventually, all it takes is one little spark and “Boom!” the whole thing goes up in flames.
If, however, we use that gasoline (or motivational guilt) for some greater purpose; if we put it in our car and drive somewhere beautiful, or if we put it in the lawnmower and make the lawn beautiful, then we’re actually using it for change and growth. Motivational guilt can help us apologize, forgive, repent, and seek a better way, leading us to that “somewhere beautiful”we so long to be.
Mastery Of Motherhood, in my world, means: being the calm in the chaos!
How to Overcome Mom Guilt
So how can we use this understanding of the two types of guilt to overcome our own mommy guilt? Try these steps (preferably before Mother’s Day), and feel guilt-free.
1) First, acknowledge the guilt.
We can’t do anything until we acknowledge something needs doing. Only once we’ve identified, “Yes, I feel guilty,” can we truly begin.
2) After you acknowledge the guilt, examine it.
Ask yourself, “What is this guilt all about?” “What am I really feeling guilty for?” This will help you determine if it’s guilt for something you feel remorseful about and want to change or guilt that’s just pointing fingers, filling your heart with despair, and dragging you down.
3) Ask, “Is this depressive guilt or motivational guilt?”
Answer honestly. Remember, guilt is a feeling, an emotion. It’s not a reflection of who you are.
4) If it is motivational guilt, pointing you to change, then it’s time to start the process of change.
You might go and say you’re sorry right away; you might take some time to formulate a plan for change in your parenting approach; or you might need to take a whole lot of time as you work on true forgiveness of yourself and others. As long as you use the guilt as fuel for change, it doesn’t matter how long it takes. (Read about the Spiral of Change, here.)
5) If it’s depressive guilt, then the answer is to practice letting go.
I know “letting go” is much easier said than done, but it’s an essential element in overcoming mom guilt, much of which tends to be of the depressive sort.
How can you let go? That’s a big topic for another day and another post, but to start, you can do the following.
- FEEL. “Freely Experience Emotion, with Love” (This is How We Grow,p.184). You can’t let go of something you haven’t fully experienced yet. You must FEEL the guilt in order to heal from the guilt, in order to let it go. Tell yourself you can feel the guilt and that, even if you don’t like feeling it, you will survive feeling that emotion.
- Lean back from the emotion. As you FEEL the guilt, lean back from it, reminding yourself that it is not you. (Watch this 3-minute therapy video, “How to Overcome Powerful Emotions: FEEL,” on my YouTube channel.)
- Remember letting go is a choice we make over and over again. Yes. Letting go is a continual choice only we can make. When I work on letting go, it’s helpful for me to ask myself, “What would I feel like if I didn’t have this emotion? If I didn’t carry this burden? If I could really just let this go?” I then imagine how I’d feel, and let me tell you, it is a hundred times better than carrying things around I can’t change and don’t need. Try this, and then cling to that imagined feeling of release, and choose to let things go. Repeat as often as needed until it has gone.
Remember…
You ARE better than you think you are. You ARE enough. You ARE worthy of all the time, appreciation, care, and love you and your family wish to give you this Mother’s Day and any other day.
You’re worth some alone time. You’re worth saying “yes” to you! You’re worth not only feeling good enough, but feeling like a good, great, exceptional mom! You’re worth joining Mastery Of Motherhood and feeling like a master mom. You’re worth so much more than you feel, moms. You’re the example, the light, the way for your children. You’re the leader, the lover, the hope and comfort and care. You’re doing so much better than you think you are. Don’t you ever forget it.
“Guilt is good for nothing…unless you use it for something better.” Don’t forget. Choose to work on overcoming guilt so you can feel these things I’m telling you and begin to believe them for yourself.
Let go of the guilt by joining me for Mastery Of Motherhood LIVE!
“Next level motherhood. Next level children. Next level YOU.” 
For more tips, skills, and tools, listen to my one-on-one Motherhood Radio “session,” Overcoming Mom Guilt, here, on SoundCloud, or on iTunes!
