“The Pyramid of Self-Worth” Step 1–Practice Self-Awareness (& video)

"The Pyramid of Self-Worth": Step 1--Practice Self-Awareness; www.DrChristinaHibbert.comIn my last post, we discussed how to feel self-worth, using what I call, “The Pyramid of Self-Worth.” Today, we get to start working through the steps of the pyramid, toward our ultimate goal of increasing our sense of self-worth.

Before we start, let me say, I realize this is just a blog, and we certainly won’t be able to cover every aspect of discovering self-worth for every person, but I believe in these principles, and I’ve seen them work before. Following The Pyramid of Self-Worth, we can discover, or rather uncover, who we really are. We can feel our true potential. We can grow in self-worth.

Understanding Self-Awareness

What is self-awareness?

Before we can practice self-awareness, we first must understand what self-awareness is and what gets in our way of being more self-aware. For our purposes, self-awareness means “the ability to allow yourself to see all of you—including the good, the not-so-good, and yes, even the ugly.”

What blocks self-awareness?

For many, self-awareness is difficult. Some simply have no interest in self-awareness, but most start out aware but then block self-awareness. Why is this so? Bottom line…I think it all boils down to fear:

1)    Fear of seeing something really ugly if we dig too deep.

2)    Fear of feeling worse about ourselves because of what we see.

3)    Fear that, once we see, we’ll have to make change, and changing can be scary.

 

Watch this “3-Minute Therapy” YouTube video on “Feeling Self-Worth: Step 1–Practice Self-Awareness.”

[stream provider=youtube flv=http%3A//www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DCexWG3VYBjk img=x:/img.youtube.com/vi/CexWG3VYBjk/0.jpg embed=false share=false width=640 height=360 dock=true controlbar=over bandwidth=high autostart=false responsive=16:9 /]

 

Self-awareness requires courage.

It certainly can be challenging to become self-aware. Self-awareness requires courage. You may be saying, “But I’m not courageous.” Yes, you are. It takes courage to read this article. It takes courage to get honest with yourself and how you are, and who you are. It takes courage to desire to change, to work on that desire. Yes, you are courageous, and that is great news, because self-awareness requires courage.

 

Self-Awareness dispels the fear and brings peace.

Sure, it might be tough to see what we see at first, but eventually, as we see all of who we are, we become free of it. As we courageously take a deep breath, open up our heart, and step inside, we find the truth, and as the bible says, “the truth shall set you free”—free of fear. It’s easy to fear the monsters hiding in the closet, but seeing them in the light takes the fear away. The more of us we expose to the light, the less there is to fear, because the more we know.

Self-awareness opens us up to the truth, and that gives us the opportunity we need to accept that truth, as we will discuss in the next post. This is the ultimate gift of self-awareness—peace. No longer do we fight against the dark parts of who we are; instead, as we see and name the darkness, we bring it to light. And who’s afraid of the light?

 

Self-Awareness can be exciting.

Hard as it might be to practice self-awareness, it can also be exhilarating. We not only see the “negatives;” we also get to discover our strengths. We get to understand who we really are, and not just who others, or the world, tell us we are. We get to grow toward our true potential. That’s why self-awareness is such an exciting endeavor: It opens the door for lifelong progress.

 

 The Pyramid of Self-Worth: Step 1–Practice Self-Awareness

So, how do we begin the process of self-awareness? Here are a few strategies to get you off and on your way:~Dr. Christina Hibbert, from "The Pyramid of Self-Worth": Step 1, Practice Self-Awareness; www.DrChristinaHibbert.com

1) First and foremost–Leave the judgment out of it. Self-awareness is not self-judgment. It’s looking, and seeing, and discovering who you really are. So, check your judgment at the door. Let yourself open up and freely see it all. 

 

2) Take a searching look at who you are. Ask yourself, “Who am I?” Then, listen. You will likely hear all kinds of answers–from the outward descriptions, like “I am a teacher, friend, and runner”–to the inward, “I am hopeful, happy, hard-working”–to the very deep, “I am God’s child. I am a spirit, an eternal soul. I am love. I am filled with divine potential.” Whatever you hear, take note. You are beginning an important process, one that will last a lifetime. Take your time and listen to what your heart is continually whispering about you.

 

3) Take a closer look at how you are. Ask, “How am I?” I’m not talking about how you feel; I’m talking about how you are in the world–with other people, in your daily life, in your relationships. How do other people see you? What strengths or weaknesses have you seen through other people’s eyes? What have other people said about you from which you might learn something? We’re not interested in judgments of who you are as much as opening your eyes to see all of who and how you are. So, be willing to open yourself up. Be willing to see how you are in the world. Gather the evidence like a detective. Lay all judgment aside. Simply open your eyes and take a courageous look.

 

4) See your weaknesses. We all have them, you know–weaknesses. Some of us can easily identify twenty, while others might struggle to see even one or two. Whichever end of the spectrum you’re on, it’s time to get realistic. See the things with which you struggle. See the areas that need more work. You might have a quick temper, be extremely shy, have debilitating fears, suffer from depression, or be extremely sensitive to hormone changes or sleep loss. Whatever weaknesses you discover, remember this: Weaknesses do not make you a weak person. They make you human. With time and work, your weaknesses can become your greatest strengths. 

 

5) See your strengths. Some of us struggle more to see our strengths than our weaknesses. Some reject compliments or any words of kindness or praise. But we have strengths, too–all of us. You might be a great listener, an excellent cook, a talented musician, gardener, or computer genius. You might be great with kids, a natural leader, extremely compassionate, or responsible. Search out your strengths. They are your best assets–the ones you’ll eventually want to develop and share with the world. Seeing your strengths is an important part of self-awareness, for they are an important part of who you are and who you are destined to become. (More on strengths & weaknesses, read this.)

 

Be sure to check out all of this 5-part series:

(Part 1) How to Feel Self-Worth: “The Pyramid of Self-Worth (& video)

(Part 3) “The Pyramid of Self-Worth”: Step 2, Practice Self-Acceptance (& video)

Build Your Sense of Self-Worth–

Self-Awareness Tools

Try one or more of these “tools” to help you begin your practice of self-awareness.

1) Practice self-awareness. As you go throughout your day today, open your heart and your eyes. Notice how you interact with others. Notice how you feel inside. Notice the things that come easy to you and those with which you struggle. Work on leaving the judgment out–simply see. When it gets hard to see these things, stop and take 10 deep breaths. Remind yourself that self-awareness is a courageous act, one that will lead you to a stronger sense of self-worth and purpose. At the end of the day, write down what you have discovered.

2) Create your “I Am” List. Imagine you’re a detective, out to explore and gather the facts about who you are. Start with two lists: “I am,” and “I am not.” The more you uncover, the more you keep adding to your lists.

3) Start a list of “strengths” and “weaknesses.” Again, no judgment. Your job is merely to uncover the truth–to see all parts of you. Add to your lists as you learn more and more about yourself. Read this article for more on Strengths & Weaknesses.

 

Leave a comment below with your thoughts on self-awareness, and be sure to join us next time as we work on “Self-Acceptance.”

 

#1 Amazon Bestseller, This Is How We Grow, by Dr. Christina Hibbert, Available now on Amazon.com! www.ThisIsHowWeGrow.com
Be sure to check out Dr. Hibbert’s Amazon Bestseller, This is How We Grow
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Related Posts/Articles

How to Feel Self-Worth: “The Pyramid of Self-Worth” [& video]

How to Feel Self-Worth: "The Pyramid of Self-Worth" [w/ #Video]; www.DrChristinaHibbert.com #selfesteemSeveral years ago, in my psychology practice, I began to wonder, “How can I help my clients feel their true worth and value?” For years, women and men had come in with various problems for which they were seeking help—relationships, depression, anxiety, fears, addictions—but underlying each of these “issues” was a bigger one—low self-esteem, or what I call “a poor sense of self-worth.” They may have thought they were struggling with anxiety, but really there was a deep sense they could do nothing right; or they thought they were “a recovering perfectionist,” but really they were terrified they just weren’t good enough. Yes, self-esteem and self-worth are core issues for most of us, at one point or another.

(For more on self-esteem vs. self-worth, check out the following articles: Self-Esteem & Self-Worth: 10 Things Everyone Should Know; 5 Reasons Self-Esteem is a Myth; If Self-Esteem is a Myth, then what is the Truth: Understanding Self-Worth; Self-Esteem vs. Self-Worth: Q & A w/Dr. Christina Hibbert)

 

The Question of Self-Worth

But how do you help someone feel loveable if they don’t believe they are? I started by teaching the tools of cognitive-behavioral therapy, like how to use a thought record to change your thinking. This helped, to some degree. It targeted the thoughts and feelings that led to poor self-worth and created more realistic beliefs. It helped people think more positively about themselves. It helped them feel more confident–sometimes. Basically, it increased self-esteem.

However, I kept hearing, “I know you’re telling me I am important and of value. I can even tell it to myself, because I know, in my head, it should be true. But I don’t feel it.” Something was obviously missing–the experience of self-worth–the ability to feel their true, innate, and infinite value.

I wanted to know what I could do to help people feel self-worth–not just try to convince them to believe what I felt and saw of their worth. I wanted them to experience it for themselves. I began to read, study, and ponder about self-esteem and self-worth. I read book after book. Soon, I had created “The Pyramid of Self-Worth,” or my theory on how to teach people to experience and feel their true worth and value.

I even chose self-worth as the theme for the first year of my Personal Growth Group (which is a group of women who gather once a month to hear a lesson and work on personal growth together, and now is online, too). This allowed an entire year to work through my theory and test it with my friends, group members, and clients. Finally, I began to see real results.

 

The Pyramid of Self-Worth

Check out this 3-Minute Therapy video from my YouTube channel for a quick overview of “The Pyramid of Self-Worth.”

 

[stream provider=youtube flv=http%3A//www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3D-yWrSkJyzYk img=x:/img.youtube.com/vi/-yWrSkJyzYk/0.jpg embed=false share=false width=640 height=360 dock=true controlbar=over bandwidth=high autostart=false responsive=16:9 /]

 

The basic premise of The Pyramid of Self-Worth is this: Instead of creating our sense of self by what we think, or how we look, or what we do—self-esteem—we must build our sense of self-worth by going deep inside, into our soul. As we do this, we stop basing our worth on a “persona,” false false self, or ego. Rather, we build our sense of self-worth from the inside–by getting to know who we already are, who we desire to be, and who we have the potential to become.

This process begins with self-awareness, to see all of who we are; then, self-acceptacne, to accept what we see, and finally, self-love, or learning to truly cherish and appreciate who we are and who we have the potential to become. These three practices, I have discovered, can eventually lead to a full, rich sense of self-worth. We will be discussing each of these in greater detail in upcoming posts, but for now, allow me to just give you a brief introduction.

 

The 3 Components of “The Pyramid of Self-Worth”

Self-Awareness

Before you can accept who you are, you have to see yourself. Self-awareness involves being willing to see your strengthsHow to Feel Self-Worth: "The Pyramid of Self-Worth" [w/ #video]; www.DrChristinaHibbert.com and weaknesses, your traits and states, your relationships and values and everything that is part of who you really are. It also includes getting in touch with your spirit and listening to what it whispers about your divine worth.

Self-Acceptance

After you see the parts of who you are, it’s time to accept them. Some struggle to accept strengths, while others fail to embrace weakness. Some hear the whispers of who they really are but fail to believe what they hear. Self-acceptance is a crucial element in feeling your true worth, and for many people, is the hardest part.

Self-Love

Beyond simply accepting yourself, you must learn to love yourself. You must learn to embrace your strengths and weaknesses, treat yourself well, and take care of your needs. Self-love involves practicing self-care, self-compassion, and self-kindness. It also involves letting yourself give and receive love to/from others. It is the final layer that unlocks the full experience of self-worth.

 

How to Feel Self-Worth

As we work through the layers of “The Pyramid of Self-Worth,” we get out of the competitive, comparative, outward space of “self-esteem” and into the loving, accepting, inward space of self-worth. We begin to feel our potential. We begin to experience the love that fills our soul. We begin to understand we are so much more than we ever dreamed, and we begin to see our possibilities are endless. That is feeling self-worth.

 ~This is the first in a series of posts on “How to Feel Self-Worth.” This post is based on an excerpt of Dr. Hibberts forthcoming book on Self-Esteem After a Breakup, with New Harbinger Publications. (Coming March 2015!)

 

 Be sure to read parts 2-5 as this series continues!

(Part 2) “The Pyramid of Self-Worth”: Step 1, Self-Awareness

Self-Worth Building Tool: 

Each of the posts in this “How to feel self-worth” series includes some “tools,” or exercises to help you build your sense of self-worth. Give it a try and see what you discover about your sense of self-worth. Then, leave a comment, below, and let us know how it’s going!

1)    Can you ever relate to this statement?: “I know you’re telling me I am important and of value, and I can even tell it to myself because I know, in my head, it should be true. But I don’t feel it.”

  • If so, write out the ways in which you can relate. Vent out all that you feel. Examine what you have written.
  • If not, why not? Write it down. Examine what you have written.

2) What do you think/feel about the ideas presented in this post? Do you agree/disagree? Why? Do you have questions? Write these down, then leave a comment, below, and join the discussion.

#1 Amazon Bestseller, This Is How We Grow, by Dr. Christina Hibbert, Available now on Amazon.com! www.ThisIsHowWeGrow.com
Be sure to check out Dr. Hibbert’s Amazon Bestseller, This is How We Grow
available now on Amazon.com!

 

 

How to Feel Self-Worth: "The Pyramid of Self-Worth" [w/ #Video]; www.DrChristinaHibbert.com #selfesteem

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Related Posts/Articles

(Part 4) “The Pyramid of Self-Worth” Step 3-Self-Love (& video) (coming soon!)
(Part 5) “The Pyramid of Self-Worth” Step 4-Embrace Self-Worth (coming soon!)

Discovering Self-Worth: Why is it so hard to Love Ourselves?

Discovering Self-Worth- Why is it so hard to love ourselves? www.DrChristinaHibbert.comWhy is it so hard? I’ve given a lot of thought to this question over the years, because the number one issue I see in my psychology practice is a struggle with self-worth. People may come in for help with depression, anxiety, relationships, or parenting, but underlying these challenges is almost always “low self-esteem,” a struggle to love oneself.

 

I’ve read, studied, and watched my clients, friends, family–and yes, myself–struggle to feel self-worth–to truly embrace, believe, and feel it, deep in our bones. I’ve written about how self-esteem is a myth and how we must instead dig down and discover our true, inherent worth. I’ve even developed a model for discovering self-worth, and I’m currently writing a book on self-esteem after a breakup, with more books to come on this important topic.

 

But it still makes me cringe each time I hear someone say, “I don’t know how to love myself,” or “I try to believe it, but deep down, I don’t feel my self-worth.” I cringe a lot.

 

Why is it so hard to Love Ourselves?

So, why is it so hard to love ourselves? Why can’t we just believe the books, experts, and centuries-old wisdom that tells us we are so much more than we feel we are? Why can’t we accept our strengths and our weaknesses? Why can’t we simply love ourselves and let love in? I don’t have all the answers for why discovering self-worth and practicing self-love are so hard, but I do have some ideas:

 

1) Our experiences don’t match what we’re told or shown in the world. We hear, “You are of worth,” “Each soul has infinite value,” “We are all beautiful, talented, amazing, in our own way,” and we may even believe it–for a while. Then, we go out into the harsh world where our beauty and talent are compared to others, where we are judged, and where we learn to judge ourselves. Suddenly, our self-worthy thoughts have vanished. Our own parents or family are often part of this self-doubt system. They may, knowingly or unknowingly, instill in us a struggle with self-worth, through years of criticism, mixed messages, or withheld love. Unfortunately, some live a whole life never hearing a kind word, never feeling the power of true, unconditional love. How can we believe we are worthy of love if we never experience love in its purest form? Even if our parents were loving and taught us self-worth, teachers, friends, and others around us can tarnish our sense of self-worth, if we buy into their lies. Media also contributes, for sure. Images of those who are slimmer, smarter, richer, faster, more creative, more successful, or more beautiful plaster the world outside, create doubt in our world within.

 

2) We tend to pay more attention to negative experiences than positive ones. In psychology this is called “The Negativity Bias,” and it means that we humans are much more likely to remember and hold to the negatives of life than the positives. We’re also more likely to let the negatives influence our future behavior. They stick to us like glue. We’ll never forget the time our teacher said we were stupid or that cute high school boy said we were ugly, yet we ignore the dozens of things the people who know and love us see and say about how beautiful and intelligent we are. We ignore all the positive evidence of our beauty and worth, opting instead to cling to the negatives.

 

3) We don’t trust ourselves. Bottom line. We might feel an inkling, or wonder, “Could it be I really AM amazing?” but we don’t believe ourselves. We discount what is already whispering of our worth within, in favor of the loud messages of doubt without. We then go looking for ways to build our “esteem” in the world–to feel better about ourselves by being better than someone else, or finding the right person to build us up, or becoming a perfectionist so we feel worthy of love. But all of these paths to “self-esteem” will ultimately fail, for they are each built on a system of self-doubt. Instead, we must learn to trust ourselves, to listen for and hear and trust the whispers within that show us our true value and worth, to let go of the opinion and voices of others and trust a greater Source.

 

This is my new favorite picture I took on our family trip to Mexico. Love the beauty and solitude. I was loving myself in this moment.

This is my new favorite picture I took on our family trip to Mexico. Love the beauty and solitude. I was loving myself in this moment.

Discovering Self-Worth

To me, this is the answer for self-esteem problems: learn to tap into the truth within, to hear and feel it. Learning to create experiences outside that match those truths, learning to see the positive evidence around us and believe it–learning to trust, accept, and love ourselves. It can sound very easy, I know. Yet, I also know it’s not–otherwise we would all feel so much self-worth I wouldn’t be writing this. It’s simple, yes. But it’s not easy.

 

We’re going to work on it.

 

 

Help me get this discussion started, by commenting, below! I really am interested in understanding why self-worth is such a challenge for us, and specifically, for you. Why do you think it’s so hard to love ourselves? What stands in your way? Do any of my thoughts ring true for you, or is it something else? Let’s  begin the self-worth revolution! Together, perhaps we can crush the myth of self-esteem and create a world full of self-worth. Wouldn’t that be lovely?

 

 

#1 Amazon Bestseller, This Is How We Grow, by Dr. Christina Hibbert, Available now on Amazon.com! www.ThisIsHowWeGrow.com

For more on discovering self-worth, be sure to check out my bestselling book,

This is How We Grow:

A psychologist’s memoir of loss, motherhood, and discovering self-worth and joy, one season at a time.

Available now on Amazon.com!

 

 

 

 

Discovering Self-Worth- Why is it so hard to love ourselves? www.DrChristinaHibbert.comFor support and insight to help you discover your own self-worth,

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“If Self-Esteem is a Myth, then What is the Truth?”: Understanding Self-Worth

"If Self-Esteem is a Myth, the what is the Truth?": Understanding Self-Worth, www.drchristinahibbert.com“If Self-Esteem is a Myth, then what is the Truth?”: Understanding Self-Worth

 I appreciate the feedback I’ve received on my article, “5 Reasons Self-Esteem is a Myth”. Some of you were excited about the insights I shared; some weren’t so sure. If you haven’t read it yet, I suggest you give it a look. In this post, I hope to build upon those ideas, to help us understand a little better why self-esteem isn’t the way to go & why “self-worth” is.

 

Self-Esteem vs. Self-Worth

 “Aren’t Self-Esteem & Self-Worth the Same Thing?” I’ve heard this question many times, and if you’re using a dictionary, then the answer is: “Yes”. In fact, most definitions for “self-worth” simply say, “See self-esteem”.

I, however, disagree that self-worth and self-esteem are one and the same. Self-esteem, to me, is more external, surface, conditional, and changing, while self-worth is internal, deep, unconditional, and enduring.

Here are a couple definitions I found for “Self-Worth”:

1)   Respect for or a favorable opinion of oneself[1]

2)   One’s worth as a person, as perceived by oneself[2]

3)   The sense of one’s own value or worth as a person (origin 1960-65)[3]

The last two seem closer to what I’m talking about but they’re awfully simple definitions for such a deep, core principle.

 

Defining Self-Worth: 

What I’m proposing is a new definition of self-worth. Yes, it includes our sense of value or worth as a person. But I take it a step further.

To me, Self-Worth means: The ability to comprehend and accept my true value—to understand I am more than my mind, body, emotions, and behaviors, to see myself as God sees me, to accept His love for me, and to learn to love myself in like manner.

 

Self-Worth is Deep

 I know this is getting a little deep and spiritual, but to me, self-worth is deep and spiritual. Too many of us settle for “self-esteem”—for Understanding Self-Worth: "If Self-Esteem is a Myth, then what is the Truth?", www.drchristinahibbert.comfeeling good about how we act, look, feel, think—instead of seeking what lies beneath. We fail to get to know our true selves because we’re too caught up in the selves we create.

No matter how much we learn to love who we seem to be on the outside, we will never fully embrace our worth until we dig deeper. Self-worth isn’t about our outsides. It’s about knowing who we really are on the inside. It’s about connection—to other people, to our true selves, and to our Higher Power.

 

Self-Worth is Accepting the Truth

As I accept the Truth—that I am not a “personality” but rather a “soul,” with innate, unchanging potential and worth—I learn to accept all of me: my strengths and weaknesses, my “good” and my “not so good”. I see that I can choose to become stronger or weaker, but these things don’t define me. I can then let go of who I or others think I am and just be who I am. Because who I am is a divine soul, full of light and love and joy and all things good. I just have to go deeper and see it.

Perhaps Marianne Williamson’s brilliant (and now famous) quote says it best:

 “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and famous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”[4]

I agree. We were “born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.” And it is “in all of us.” Understanding this Truth not only allows us to freely accept and love ourselves, it opens the door for us to help others do the same.

 

Self-Worth is Possible for All

I know some of you don’t believe me. I know there are some who are reading this and thinking, “Yeah, right. That might be true for some people, but it’s not true for me.”  You don’t believe you will ever experience self-worth.

Well, I’m here to tell you you’re wrong. You are of worth. You are valuable. You are loveable. You are important. You are essential to this world. And you don’t have to believe me. Not yet. You just have to open yourself up to the possibility. Open yourself up to the idea, and you can and will someday know for yourself that what I say is true. For everyone. Even for you.

What do you think about self-worth and self-esteem? Questions? Challenges? Comments? Join the conversation below.

More on this Topic: 

Check out my 5-part series on How to Feel Self-Worth using “The Pyramid of Self-Worth” and also

Self-Esteem vs. Self-Worth: Q & A w/Dr. Christina Hibbert [plus video]

#1 Amazon Bestseller, This Is How We Grow, by Dr. Christina Hibbert, Available now on Amazon.com! www.ThisIsHowWeGrow.com
Be sure to check out Dr. Hibbert’s Amazon Bestseller, This is How We Grow
available now on Amazon.com!

 "If Self-Esteem is a Myth, the what is the Truth?": Understanding Self-Worth, www.drchristinahibbert.com

Join my  This is How We Grow Personal Growth Group!

FREE. Online. Growth. What more could you ask for?

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SUBSCRIBE, just below, “like” my Facebook pages (Dr. Christina HibbertThis Is How We Grow) and follow me on Twitter,Pinterest, & Instagram!


 

 

 

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[1] Online Dictionary in “Reference Tools,” Microsoft Word.

[2] Webster’s Dictionary, hardcover, 1998.

[4] Williamson, M. (1996). A Return to Love, quote.

 

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